A few hours past the time when most parents have already tucked their dears into their beds for the night, I got up to start herding my own in that direction. That's what you're supposed to do, right?
(Aaden, napping with Dolly.)
But in order to do it, I would have to stop them in what they're doing. They were writing kanji, reading a cookbook, planning a party, playing with action figures, and watching a show on giant squid. They were excited about what they were doing; they were peaceful and focused. They were interacting with each other in really beautiful ways, where their interests intersected and brought them together, sometimes briefly, and sometimes for extended collaboration. They were a tableau of what it means for children to be fully engaged.
This is the time of day when our creativity peaks, when inspiration strikes, when learning is effortless and the juices are flowing. To enforce a bedtime at a normal time, for whatever reason people choose those hours for a bedtime, I would have to first devalue what this time is to them, what those activities and conversations are for them. I'd have to say, "Stop. Stop what you are doing, and do what I have been told is right."
When I look at my children, actually turn my full attention and observe them, enforcing an earlier bedtime does not feel right. Choosing instead to enjoy these precious moments does.
It's not easy. Finding the balance for all of us, with our different needs, is tricky sometimes. It can be difficult hearing messages from the larger society around us that say: "Children are healthier with a regular, early bedtime." "Getting my kids into bed right after dinner gives me time to myself, and it's a godsend." "It's easy to miss a child's cues and keep them up too late." "It's lazy parenting to not have a bedtime." Having neighbors adjoining us who go to bed much earlier than we do is challenging.
In other families, our choices would not fit. They wouldn't work at all, and would be detrimental to everyone involved. I imagine that in another family, if the children stayed up until midnight, the children would become increasingly agitated, irritable. They may become frenetic and start acting out in challenging ways, or unfocused and whiny. A child who didn't go to bed early may have trouble the next day in some way. Every parent should look to their own family to make decisions about how to support those children at bedtime, and what "bedtime" even means. There are so many people who want to impose what works for them onto every home. And there are a surprising number of people who want to impose what doesn't work for them; they so deeply believe that what they are trying to do is the One Right Way that they struggle and fight every day to force their life to match that template... and even if they are successful, there is never any peace for them in it. These families can be the most vehement that one MUST do what they are doing.
What we do feels ideal for us; it's a hard-won balance for an entire family of night owls living in a world that is geared to morning larks. So my children stay up later than many, and they get up later as well. Most people assume that if one listens to one's body, one will become tired when the sun goes down; night owls know differently.
There may come a time in my life when the bedtime needs to be changed. We've been through several metamorphoses, and while our nighttime routine is fairly stable and comfortable right now, I know that as things change that may need to shift as well.
Which is why I watch my children. I observe them, and I observe myself, and I follow. And I have peace.
Good post Colleen. :) You are an intuitive mother.
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